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Thu Feb 12, 2004 at 02:53:51 pm EST
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The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 5
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The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 5.

After a "interesting" first mission with the Lair Legion Jr. to Hughlong Dao. Ham-Boy decides to take some time off from life (Super Heroing, School, Job, etc.) . He went to see a friend of his, Clayton Greenhawk. He, much like Kid Produce & himself is a food related super hero. His super hero codename is The Food Hunter. He is a more loner hero who works at the fringes of the super hero community & he also takes a more naturalistic view point on crime fighting. He lives in the Kloshee Ilahee artist colony, that is in the foothills of Mount Hood, just a few minutes drive outside of Portland, Oregon. At the Artist Colony, you can go for weeks without seeing another living person. Most of the lots are spaced a few miles apart. The Colony is almost dead quiet except for the occasional bird, Plane flying over head, wildlife walking through your lot or your neighbor needs something. Clayton & Fred are sitting in Clayton's TeePee.

"Breath in the clamming influences of the Yuccita tree. For many generation's my people have believed in burning Yuccita leaves to relieve stress, until we found Prozac. That works better but this will do because my doctor wouldn't give me anymore Prozac this month." Clayton said.

"It's ok." Fred said, he is sitting directly across from Clayton. Fred's eyes are closed & he is breathing in the smells of the Yuccita leaves & he is sitting in the lotus position. Fred has been here for the last couple days, just relaxing & thinking. He hasn't fought a villain since he got back from the LL Jr. Mission. He had some vacation time saved up at work that he hadn't taken & this week was a break from school.

Then the sound of a Jeep pulling up to the TeePee disturbs they're peaceful retreat. Clayton finds this odd since no one he knows owns a Jeep. Clayton & Fred can hear someone walk up to the TeePee. Then, a man dressed in a black suit walks into the TeePee. He kind of looks like Agent Smith from The Matrix movies.

"Hey, this is a private TeePee!" Clayton yelled.

"I'm here on official business of the US government, Mr. Greenhawk." The man said in a stern tone. To convince him, he shows Clayton a badge. The badge says that he part of a special government unit dealing with the Super Heroes of America. Fred recognizes the voice.

"Hello, Agent Johnson. How may we be of service ?" Fred say in a calm tone, still with his eyes closed.

"Greetings. We need you, Ham-Boy, back at the Burrow."

"I'm with another team now or don't you read the newspaper?"

"Yes, I know that & my superiors know that too. But we need you."

"Why?"

"K'Abin Von Ghall."

"Ok, I'll go. Did you ever come up with a better title for the team ?"

"No, we are still 'The yet unnamed team of America. Well at least, Iowa.'"

"That's the name of the team ?" Clayton asked, puzzled. He has known HB for awhile & didn't know he was even on a team before the LL Jr.

"Yes, even the part about Iowa. Johnson, let me get my stuff & we can go. Clayton, thank you for letting me stay with you, again."

"Anytime, HB. Anytime."

Johnson & Ham-Boy leave the TeePee. "So, is that his home ? Must have been cramped staying there."

"No. That's just his TeePee. He lives in the motor home over there." HB says as his points to a Winnebago parked just a little bit from the TeePee.

"I noticed that your costume has changed. I like it, the tights weren't the most flattering thing you have worn." Agent Johnson said. HB's pants were a dark grey cargo pant. He also wore red leather lace up combat boots. Around his waist hung the hamtility belt & hanging from it was a link sausage lasso.

"Yeah. I decided that it was time to change costumes & besides that, the last one got trashed."

They go over the the picnic table outside the Winnebago, some clothes were piled on it. HB picks up his black sweater & put's it on. Then, put's on his leather jacket with 2 stylized H's on it (One's of front of the jacket & one's of the back), he doesn't zip it up. Last, he puts on his redesigned Ham-Cowl. This version now has the top half of the cowl was cut off to reveal his brown hair.

"My first costume was made on a shoestring budget. But, now having some money & having the last one trashed, I decide to upgrade. A teammate of mine had a design she was dying to try out on me. I liked it, so I kept it. Also, I got this jacket for my birthday."

"Happy belated birthday & who was the member ?"

"Thanks & who else on the LL jr. would want to redesign my costume ? Fashion Accessory, Duh!"
-----

At a semi-abandoned warehouse near the docks in the city of Goth Haven that serves as The Disgruntles' Headquarters, Robert Crunch (AKA The Evil Captain Crunch & leader of the Disgruntles) is sitting at the meeting table. He is wearing a white button down pajama top with little pale green stripes; the pants have the same theme & are drawstring. He wearing a maroon robe over them & is wearing purple bunny slippers. He is having breakfast & reading the morning newspaper. Some might think it ironic that that he is eating Captain Crunch cereal. Every so offen Robert mumbles his hatred for his famous twin brother as he eats. Then, he hears something. Something is on the roof. He stops eating & reading to listen.

"Hmm, it's way after christmas, so it isn't Santa. So, who or what is it ?" He thinks.

As Robert is thinking what is that sound. A small hole is being burned into the ceiling & if you listen closely you can hear someone or something talking. A few minutes later, Robert gets up & now hears the noise more loudly. He hears words now, some repeated twice. Carefully, Robert starts to sneak around the main area of the Warehouse.

Grammar walks in. "What are you doing ?"

"I think the headquarters has been compromised."

"Did you fall asleep reading your Tom Clancy novel again ?"

"No. At least I don't think so."

Then some thing waddles by in the shadows.

"What was that ?" Robert asked.

"I didn't see anything."

Robert creeps over to where he saw the thing. He sees a creature of some sort & picks it up. It's a ashy grey color & round in shape, it's eyes are a bright red with a darker red pupil. It has short stubby legs & arms.

"A Puffi Lipse." The creature said, in a deep raspy voice & then spits fire Robert.

Robert then drops the A Puffi Lipse & it runs away. Robert now knew that Tanaka was coming. From pass experiences Robert knew that if a member of the Poke' Guard, like an A Puffi Lipse, was there, he wasn't far behind.

"Grammar, call the team. We have a problem." Robert said just before he falls over & passes out.

Grammar presses a red button on the wall next to him that sends out a signal to the rest of The Disgruntles to come to the Warehouse quickly.
-----

A half hour to an hour later, the group is assembled. All five of them.

"So, what's the problem ?" Kitty Boom Boom asked, yawning. She had a late night.

"We suspect that the MNP will soon be here. Robert found one of the Poke' Guard here, an A Puffi Lipse to be exact. The Poke' Guard are a good indicator that the MNP will soon be here." Grammar said.

"I thought the MNP had died out after they're defeat in Mangatown a few years ago." said Dr. Peacock.

"No. They just went underground, I guess." the Evil Captain Crunch said. He has now changed into his costume.

"What are we going to do ? " Kitty said.

"I don't know." Said The Evil Captain Crunch.

No one notices the small creature walk up next the them & then the group hears the words " Tika Tika!" & the room starts to spin.

"What's happening ?" Peacock asked.

"A Tika Tika. It's another one of the Poke' Guard. The Tika Tika can affect time & your perception of the world around you. They are also known for rapping from time to time. Ms. Freeze, do you stuff if your awake." ECC says.

For some reason, Auntie Freeze actually is, some what, awake & starts to shoot ice out of her hands in all directions.

"Duck!" ECC yells as he ducks, just missing an icicle that would have cut off his head.

The room returns to normal as the group sees a stunned small rat/cat/bunny creature with bleached blond hair on the floor next to them. Then the garage door comes busting down. As the dust settles, the team turns to see a man dressed in a typical Nazi uniform. His jet black hair is styled into a strange hair do similar to one found in Japanese animation. Standing around him are all assortment of different sized creatures.

"Disgruntles, prepare to meet your doom at the hand of Tanaka Hitler & the Manga Nazi Party!" The man said. His mouth was out of sync with the sound he was making. His mouth keeps moving for a half a minute after he stopped talking. Tanaka starts to laugh without opening his mouth as a legion of Poke' Guard stream into the warehouse, overwhelming The Disgruntles.

"GAAHHH!" ECC said before drowning in a sea of monsters.
-----

Ham-Boy is sitting in Agent Johnson's Jeep as the drove to the Portland airport. HB is reading some classified documents.

"So, Baron Wasteland is back. What a surprise!" HB said sarcastically.

"Yes, He was sited last week in Badripoor, where he is now is unknown. The agent that was following him is dead."

" I thought 'The Baron' died during his last campaign for the world's supply of wiggle whatsit's."

"No. He & his occult lunatics, The Cult of the Eternal Wedgie, just took his body back to the Wishing Well, there main hangout, & put the body of there master in the healing pools around the well."

"The pools with the water for which there mysticalness is only eclipsed by there spookiness."

"Yes, the very same. The water that he found, or so he says, & has been using ever since."

"How old is 'The Baron' anyway ?"

"Hard to say. But, K'Abin Von Ghall first recorded appearance was around the death of Christ. He looked to be about 45 to 55 in the drawing's I have seen & he hasn't aged that much over the years."

"So, why did you need to bring me in ? The Team has plenty of good people to handle scum like Wasteland."

"Not anymore. Due to the Bush administration & bad accounting on our part, we had to claim bankruptcy two quarters ago & had to let a lot of good people go."

"So, get them back!"

"Can't."

"Why ?"

"Most of them are dead.

"Why?"

"Bennifer!"

Ham-Boy let out a sigh. Bennifer is one of The yet unnamed team of America. Well at least, Iowa & Ham-Boy's more deadlier villains.

"What happened ?"

"Some former members went & decided to take him/her down on him/her's own territory."

"Bad move."

"Yeah. Bennifer killed them without a second glance."

"So, how many did you get back after bankruptcy & death by Bennifer ?"

"Fifteen."

"That's a good number."

"We had four hundred & twenty five."

"Oh."

"Are all the rest dead ?"

"No. Most are dead, there location is unknown or off planet."

"So, in reading in the newspaper that I, Ham-Boy, former member of the team, is still around. You decided to recruit me for one last mission."

"Last mission?"

" I can't come to your rescue every time you declare bankruptcy."

"Oh."

The rest of the ride is in silence.
--------

The compromised semi-abandoned warehouse near the docks in Goth Haven that serves as The Disgruntles' Headquarters, which now has been attacked by Tanaka Hitler & the Manga Nazi Party. The Members of the Disgruntles are now chained to the walls of the meeting area. Tanaka is sitting at the meeting table, facing the group.

"Why have you come here ?" The Evil Captain Crunch said.

"Well, Crunch Commander. I have come here to defeat you & bring my creditability rating up amongst the super villain community. " Tanaka said again out of sync with his mouth movements.

"Why not attack one of the more well known super villain teams. The Purveyors of Peril, H.E.R.P.E.S. or B.A.L.D. There more eviler then us. They are worth taking down. Were just a small group of people with a dislike for Ham." Dr. Peacock chimed in.

Tanaka stood up & slapped the doctor with a glove, his mouth started to move. A minute later he said, "No!"

"How do you do that ?" Kitty asked.

"What ?" Tanaka said this time almost synced up.

"The way you talk. Your mouth moves more that what you say."

"Ah, yes! Most of my victim get around to asking me about that."

"Victims?" Dr. Peacock says, scared.

"Yes." Tanaka said. As some of the members of the MNP come over the the group with red hot pokers.

Tanaka starts to laugh again.
-------------

On the privately charted plane, Agent Johnson & Ham-Boy sit. A stewardess ask HB if he would like a drink, he asks for a Sprite.

"I noticed that about you. You don't drink alcohol."

"So ? I don't like alcohol."

"It's Nothing, just something I noticed that." Johnson said as he took a sip from his gin & tonic.

Then, another agent dressed very much like Agent Johnson comes over to him & whispers in his ear something. Then, Johnson gets a sad look on his face.

"What ?" HB says.

"The Burrow, our main Headquarters, has been destroyed. As of right now, there is no known survivors. Shortly after the destruction, My boss in Washington got a e-mail from Baron Wasteland."

"Ask the pilot to take us the LBJ Airport." HB says.

"Why ? That would takes us to... Oh. Right." Johnson says & then stops.

"Yes. To Goth Haven."

---------------
Look for The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 6. Ham-Boy fights for his fallen comrades. More Villains from HB's past show up & find out what happens to the The Disgruntles. Also, the first appearance of the Meat Locker, Ham-boy's new headquarters!



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